Verified Vulnerable

We must stop the white dominators before they escape into the next generation of our children
Kamau

We cannot play on broken strings. There are no second chances here; you only get one shot. I cannot pretend anymore as I am exhausted. I have nothing left to give. For the longest time I tried to explain to him that he does not understand and yet, he persisted. He refused to give me space; he still wanted to suffocate me, and so, I pulled back, and let him fall without any effort to save him. It was either that, or I hold on to him whilst already clinging to a crumbling cliff. It is a hostage situation is many ways, and if true, it somewhat confirms my suspicion that many interactions are hostage situations which involve two people being at each others mercy. With some people, they tolerate each other for the longest time because they depend upon what the other person can give them, or they really have lots to give. I am not one of those people. I am someone who was finished before others started, just as my intelligence begins where that of many others ends. I haven’t the time for “foolishness” which tends to follow fakery and so, if someone does not get something, I am not the type to stick around to explain it o them. Most especially, if someone causes me pain and anguish, not hearing what I am saying, I leave, and keep my distance. This is a regular occurrence and a common pattern.

I once heard an interesting notion: that every person does things which please you and others that upset you. With people, it is best to assign these habits and behaviour percentages. Although typically, the things which upset are 9% compared to 81%, notwithstanding the unassigned remaining percentage, they do not share the same significance. This individual suggested that these percentages are not wholesome as they change when things are not going “perfect.” For this reason, they said to multiply the value of the upsetting traits and to diminish the value of the desirable habits, which themselves, if not appropriately applied, will become annoying behaviours. The point is, when determining the extent to which you will be able to tolerate people, start with the “flaws” of the other people and see these in perspective realising that things will not always be going well, and at those times, you will need people most attuned to you. Sadly, this has not been the case in my lifetime. In fact, considering that I experience existential crisis; daily turmoil, I am always on the verge; I live on the edge, meaning, I haven’t the currency for foolishness. Any time I have to use my intellect, it exhausts my deeper being which gets no chance to recover, or rest, within the context of this violent environment. (Many times I dream of a place where I did not speak at all.)

This means that although I might seem comfortably proactive, operating from a standpoint of disability, from the disadvantage of being incapacitated, in doing things otherwise above-average, I exert myself almost five times as much as a normal person would exerting themselves doing similar things. Having gone on for so long, this pattern has left me exhausted, meaning, when I look like I am getting better in advocating for myself, I am only going into further withdrawal. It has been the failure to realise this; this inability to make such a finer distinction which has been the cause of so much of the harm in this place; so much permanent, irreversible damage; people paying attention to a single side of an equation without realising that the other aspects are being drained by them. Eventually, when they do realise the imbalance they have created, it is “too late.” Their attempts to correct the situation from that point forward merely results in a case of digging deeper, damage done. People, if concerned, ought to have been concerned enough to make their life priority, finding out what causes harm to others and finding out how they can prevent this. Their mission should be to find out how to reduce harm but there minds are elsewhere, until the whole things blows in their face; at which point, they have the temerity to wonder “why did that happen,” but then again, I imagine one of these sleep-walkers will defend their non-consciousness, protesting, “everyone’s entitled to their own opinion.”

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