Monthly Archives: October 2012

Fictional Finalism

The learner had rarely been one to entertain the notion of the ends justifying the means, even if there was no overall consistency in this conditional value. (He was, for instance, willing to mislead females, in misrepresenting himself, if at the end he got to own them.) Although he was in effect getting driving lessons free of charge, the part that did not register is that he owed the school something. Even if he ought to be grateful for the lessons, this did not mean he had to tolerate any mistreatment he was handed with, and so, he rebelled. Of course, those domesticated, disciplined minds would call this learner foolish, and maybe even immature, but he operates from a very different conceptual framework which values process-thinking, and rejects end-gaining. This means that the learner did not abide by the notion that said some things must be tolerated in the short term, as the long term gain would outweigh the past. Much rather, he belonged to the school that said the whole process, all the way through, was important. He believed in right and proper conduct between individuals, and rejected the idea of people exploiting others by taking advantage of situations and their power. He was intolerant of the notion of being indebted to people and valued parity. He always maintained that duty should often eclipse passions which might guide sentiments and feelings, but above all, he knew something eternally real.

He knew that people were, like him, volatile, temperamental and irregular, and that for this reason, until they had attained personhood, could not be relied upon to DO THE RIGHT THING. He knew that sick people – those who are model citizens – valued power over others, as opposed to cooperative, constructive endeavours, and so, he realised that the individual exchanges and interactions between separate peoples, those operating independent of groups, had to have a degree of harmony, and an element of balance, if people were to constructively co-exist. This, of course, was not a realisation that had penetrated very far for many people were quite content to be camouflaged by the mass. That many people liked hiding behind numbers and not being individually held to account for personal choices and decisions; that people liked to justify mistreating others, especially those who they felt had wronged them, or those they did not have to treat right; that people tended to do whatever they could get away with, even if they would otherwise condemn the deeds they would commit with impunity; he knew that many people were fake, and that they would always reveal themselves if the masks wore thin, but beyond that, he knew of the terrifying thoughts of loneliness, of insignificance and annihilation; he knew what it was like to be abandoned, hurt, damaged, forgotten and betrayed; he knew what it was like to have nobody to relate to, identify with, or to have people to whom one can belong, and so, forged by suffering, hardened by pain, he knew that justice was immortal, and mattered most.

He knew what it was like to try and bury that pain with smiles, despite dying on the inside; how it was to pretend; to always be acting, playing, and in disguise. He knew how oppressive it was being inauthentic and how he always yearned for that person who unconditionally cared; how desperate he was for guidance, but disappointed so much, how difficult it was to ask; how people were always judging that which, being out of their jurisdiction, they simply could not understand; how the tormentors needed words and labels to describe him because he so frightened them, in symbolising the unknown. He knew, above all, that the illnesses people saw in him were only the sicknesses inherent in themselves, and that his problem was them, although they could not concede that, and yet, he also was very familiar with the reverse; that he was Laing’s hysteric, and the malingering patient in the psychotic stat. He realised that he could have cut off contact with the word as he could no longer face the reality that was impossible to embrace; that his life had to be dependent on a lie that could never be disproved, and so, he could always await it in time and space; he knew that he might very well be the sick one, labelling others in an attempt to justify himself; he knew that he yearned for attention, and dreamt of extracting vengeance, when he found wealth, that one fine day, and he fiercely desired the glory the came with being immortal and having fame.


existential depression

He made yet another error and the driver called him stupid, for the umpteenth time. He reaches boiling point and freezes, after erupting and letting the canon loose, as he switches seats with the instructor, only today was different. Having just fallen out two days earlier, as suppressed rage again surfaced, he was expected to take his punishment of being relegated to the passenger seat, as the instructor took over, only this time, when the instructor went to make that manoeuvre, as he couldn’t lock him out, he tried to abandon the driver and ride off in the car. Unfortunately the plan was foiled as the driver managed to rescue the situation by jumping back in the car and demanding the learner trade places, and yet, the situation had died long ago. Even as their lesson began, an error was made within less than a minute of entering the car. Maybe the learner did or didn’t see it, but clearly, being so occupied and hampered in perspective, something else was clocking up mileage on their mind. We know already it was the instructor. The learner simply intended to drive about for the day without saying a word, and for the most part, this worked, only the instructor’s burning rage remaining, as eventually their bitterness surfaced. Two hour lessons in a car get very intense, and with the situation already hanging by a thread, and managed by a string, it was no surprise when it fell apart.

On his way home, the learner was amused by the situation as in the past; he was left walking home the bitter one. It was cathartic. As he was exiting the vehicle, as the instructor had asked him prior, he asked the instructor if he was on drugs, for this was the final violation. At this point, unlike his own response, the instructor said yes, but added that as he, the learner, would not be coming back into the car again, the learner should find someone else to drive him to his test due in less than three days time. The learner had someone in mind; however, playing safe, when he got home, he called the driving organisation manager to try to identify another possible driver. At this point, the manager, who up until that point had put on an amusing act, had their disguise wear thin, as finally, their true colours shone. The learner was told that he, the manager, would not be manipulated. That he learner could be mature about the situation and try and resolve It; that the instructor was rational and would not just do something without cause; he was told that he, the manager, could not suddenly change plans for less than three days and draft in an alternative instructor whose car could be used; he was told that he had an ultimatum: he could report the instructor on Monday, for “verbal abuse”, and have the test go down as a fail, or he could call up the instructor and try and resolve the issue. It was his choice.

The learner was so delighted to finally see a break in the fraudulent authenticity, he attempted to put the phone on loud speaker and record the conversation, but he accidentally hung up. Upon calling back, he was met by a very different service manager who seemed to have reviewed and modified their conduct. This time, he was told that maybe he, the learner, and the instructor, had a heated moment and lost their cool; that as the manager, he would call the instructor and make him take the learner to the test; that he was on the learners side; the biggest difference was that the manager said that he would also gain from the learner passing the practical, for he had a target of ten licences for the year, with the learner expected to be one of them. It seemed that his talk with his secretary, in addition to the time between the calls, had changed him, as he reverted back to his “Christian” values, which he apparently professed, drove him to create the driving school charity to begin with. Of course, as the white overseer, those who know didn’t buy any of it from the out, however, for the sake of obtaining their licences, they would limit their contact with him, tolerate his falsehoods, and get through the school, and yet, if only it were that easy. Of course, there are those who would say that situations ought to be tolerated if there were reward to be had at the end, and yet, is this true? Many Palmer Hall would surely protest this.

Trojan Pam

As a person that has had to take personal responsibility for my own romantic failures, I realise that a lot of times, we are in love with the drama and its curious that if the person we’re pursuing… if they supposedly have us all that we claimed we wanted a lot of the times we would probably leave … had she gotten what she wanted from him would she have moved on to another person who is a challenge again… it takes two to tango and I do feel that as women a lot of times we put ourselves in the victim role and men do it too … if the guys doing all this why are you still hanging out so is he the only one with the problem or do you have a problem… I don’t know if its as much as loving the drama as it is avoiding true intimacy; are we hooking up with people because we’ve become victims of white supremacy… we’ve become paranoid. Its very difficult to let your guard down, its very difficult to love when your under attack and assault all the time, so I believe that some of our relationships we’ve had to put so much armour on and have so much paranoid and not trust because we’ve been abused
#232 For Colored Girls Only, Oct 20, 2010 (w/ Pam)

We hook up with people who we can guarantee that they’ll never get too close, you know we avoid the intimacy and I think that’s part of what leads us into these inter racial relationships… the best it gets is tacky… because if you’re with someone, you’re a person that’s being oppressed in a white supremacy system, and your with a white person who is benefiting from your oppression and that white person denies that they’re benefiting, and you deny that they’re benefiting, how in the world can you think you know each other, If you can’t be honest about the biggest thing that affects your life as a black person and… you cant talk honestly with that person about it. That person is denying that you’re being mistreated but claim that they love you, how can you claim that your relationship is deep. Its shallow and superficial, and I think that because black people have so much emotional trauma that we may even seek out relationships that guarantee that we never have to show our true self and that guarantee that we can be superficial and remain on a shallow basis and dealing with a man like that and I’ve known him, you’re guaranteed that you’ll never get intimate with him because he wont even show up for a date and so you know there’s no chance of him having to expose who you really are and there’s no chance of him having to get too close and maybe that’s what makes the “dog” so appealing, is you don’t have to fix what’s wrong with; you an focus on what’s wrong with him… right now we have a lot of psychological baggage because of white supremacy …
#232 For Colored Girls Only, Oct 20, 2010 (w/ Pam)

Here’s this man that’s not supposed to desire me that paying attention to me so his attention in the mind of a black female that wants that white validation so his attention carries more weight because he is a white man in a white supremacy system which means his opinion matters more than a non white person opinion … white people determine who has value and who doesn’t … [people] are vulnerable to that need… he is the one that does the choosing… the most powerful one in that relationship … the white person offers a respite from their reality… it gives them a false comfort.. with two black people that’s too much black reality, with a white person you can reinvest yourself and pretend to be someone else and I think that’s the appeal of white people, they allow you to recreate yourself into a false persona where your not as black or as despise as you would be with a black partner,,, most women I know are more concerned with the box they live in … they seldom look outside that box…. Women, we love fantasy… the marriage, my wedding day is the most important… women are encouraged from a very early age to focus on fantasy more than reality…
Pam, Trojan Horse

…beauty really matters… [and] is the white standard… to get ahead in Hollywood… [do] not have a white women… a women is worthwhile because men see her as worthwhile and if the women don’t see her as worthwhile she has no value … these girls are attempting to emulate what they have been taught is beautiful and when you look in a mirror, you don’t see what’s there when your self esteem and self interest is destroyed the same way a white girl who’s anorexic, doesn’t see that she skinny, she looks in a mirror and she sees fat. So black girls are looking in the mirror and they’re not seeing beauty, they’re not seeing anything that naturally beautiful they’re seeing ugliness that needs to be corrected … only they don’t know it… getting the black person to participate, that’s a power move … in thee casual interactions at work when your at around and nobody else is listening when he can saddle up to you, unobserved and unheard by other white [people] … its generally something that’s done out of ear shot and out of eye sight of other peers. They don’t really care as much what black people think because you have no ability to harm their reputation or to punish them … generally speaking… political correctness ahs led to people doing things in such a way to hide what their real position is ….
Pam, Trojan Horse

Having the next generation go through what we went through. That should be our biggest fear
Pam, Trojan Horse

Talking To Our Children

“Our Generation Died When Our Fathers We’re Born”

25 years ago today, Ansel Wong and Akyaaba Addai-Sebbo, as part of the Greater London Council, were instrumental in securing black history month in London. This jubilee year was meant to remember 150 years since abolition, and in honour of it, the following year, the two fellows edited “Our Story: A Handbook of African History and Contemporary Issues.” Of course, this is pedantic, and effectively inconsequential, for even after Carter Woodson’s emphatic 1926 rally, the idea of negro-contributionism remains redundant. As Clarence Walker would testify, although they are in need of fundamental structural revisions and major redistributions of wealth, the people are left with mythological romanticism, and totalitarian group-think which questions the blackness of those who fail to boast “blackness.” Children born into this farce have little to celebrate; they have been failed.

Gifted Child, I must apologise for failing you even before you were born. I cannot make it up to you for the loss you have incurred cannot be recovered. I can only explain what I was going through and maybe one day you will be able to see where I was coming through. I cannot be forgiven for this failure but I at least want you to make peace with it. Only, my deepest sorrow is that you are already broken by this betrayal. It is not something that can be repaired as the damage was done so long ago leaving you with wounds that will not heal, and scars that will not go. Sadly, it is not your problem; it is I who have made a problem for you, and so, if anyone ever asks you to move on and let go, I can only urge you to excuse them as you quietly contemplate the following: “how can I let go of something holding on to me.”

James Baldwin said that we should not learn about the past for the sake of proving a point to anybody as we do not have to apologise for who we are; he urged us to get familiar with our historical antecedents, claiming that without this sense of being and belonging, we would struggle to determine our identities, and find our place in the world. That’s what we’ve been told, but the story’s getting old. Many of us have done this, and continue doing this, but we are none the better. At this time, cash is the topic, money matters; its the motive. If I have no trust fund for you, no advice, guidance and information to provide, then of what use am I; of what value can I be to you. I, I who am so dependent, and with so little stability do not see myself as fit to call you a child, for I am one myself, and so the question remains: when you ask me questions about adulthood, being stuck in childhood myself, what am I to say?

And when you get lonely, despairing as the people leave you, and you find you have no one to lean on, and you ask me where to find solace, I will not know, as I will be asking you, where am I to go?

Having the next generation go through what we went through. That should be our biggest fear