The learner had rarely been one to entertain the notion of the ends justifying the means, even if there was no overall consistency in this conditional value. (He was, for instance, willing to mislead females, in misrepresenting himself, if at the end he got to own them.) Although he was in effect getting driving lessons free of charge, the part that did not register is that he owed the school something. Even if he ought to be grateful for the lessons, this did not mean he had to tolerate any mistreatment he was handed with, and so, he rebelled. Of course, those domesticated, disciplined minds would call this learner foolish, and maybe even immature, but he operates from a very different conceptual framework which values process-thinking, and rejects end-gaining. This means that the learner did not abide by the notion that said some things must be tolerated in the short term, as the long term gain would outweigh the past. Much rather, he belonged to the school that said the whole process, all the way through, was important. He believed in right and proper conduct between individuals, and rejected the idea of people exploiting others by taking advantage of situations and their power. He was intolerant of the notion of being indebted to people and valued parity. He always maintained that duty should often eclipse passions which might guide sentiments and feelings, but above all, he knew something eternally real.
He knew that people were, like him, volatile, temperamental and irregular, and that for this reason, until they had attained personhood, could not be relied upon to DO THE RIGHT THING. He knew that sick people – those who are model citizens – valued power over others, as opposed to cooperative, constructive endeavours, and so, he realised that the individual exchanges and interactions between separate peoples, those operating independent of groups, had to have a degree of harmony, and an element of balance, if people were to constructively co-exist. This, of course, was not a realisation that had penetrated very far for many people were quite content to be camouflaged by the mass. That many people liked hiding behind numbers and not being individually held to account for personal choices and decisions; that people liked to justify mistreating others, especially those who they felt had wronged them, or those they did not have to treat right; that people tended to do whatever they could get away with, even if they would otherwise condemn the deeds they would commit with impunity; he knew that many people were fake, and that they would always reveal themselves if the masks wore thin, but beyond that, he knew of the terrifying thoughts of loneliness, of insignificance and annihilation; he knew what it was like to be abandoned, hurt, damaged, forgotten and betrayed; he knew what it was like to have nobody to relate to, identify with, or to have people to whom one can belong, and so, forged by suffering, hardened by pain, he knew that justice was immortal, and mattered most.
He knew what it was like to try and bury that pain with smiles, despite dying on the inside; how it was to pretend; to always be acting, playing, and in disguise. He knew how oppressive it was being inauthentic and how he always yearned for that person who unconditionally cared; how desperate he was for guidance, but disappointed so much, how difficult it was to ask; how people were always judging that which, being out of their jurisdiction, they simply could not understand; how the tormentors needed words and labels to describe him because he so frightened them, in symbolising the unknown. He knew, above all, that the illnesses people saw in him were only the sicknesses inherent in themselves, and that his problem was them, although they could not concede that, and yet, he also was very familiar with the reverse; that he was Laing’s hysteric, and the malingering patient in the psychotic stat. He realised that he could have cut off contact with the word as he could no longer face the reality that was impossible to embrace; that his life had to be dependent on a lie that could never be disproved, and so, he could always await it in time and space; he knew that he might very well be the sick one, labelling others in an attempt to justify himself; he knew that he yearned for attention, and dreamt of extracting vengeance, when he found wealth, that one fine day, and he fiercely desired the glory the came with being immortal and having fame.