Monthly Archives: December 2016

Everybody Lives

Every day another part of me dies, whilst other aspects of myself are lost permanently. Damaged parts do not heal the same, whilst others things simply do not regenerate irrespective of the supposed, reputable indomitable will. I was never in a position to win this battle because none of us were ever in a position to battle. Us black people are infantilised, and cannot continue pretending to even dare function as adults as that stress and exhaustion only adds to the perverse situation already mentioned above. Many of us eventually accept this unyielding reality, but seeing it as so monstrous, still attempt to escape with further mythology. We like to think we can say our “Lives Matter” as if recognition means anything. They are not “moral” people otherwise they would not hold us captive; they rule because they have the power to do so, and if we want to break their rule, we must smash their power, but this requires reality, and who wants reality?

Its amazing but truth. I am a “bitch.” I am the bitch of the male and female zookeepers – “dominant society”. Many of us prefer to avoid even thinking about this and so take to inane “resistance”, as if refusal were revolt. Some of us like to play the game of claiming we can “take back” power through “shaming” these people and yet, this fails to answer the question of why they have the power to create the situations which require us to try at shaming them in a desperate attempt to retaliate and protect ourselves against their violence and other ongoing violations. We think we can use “Legal Aid” to secure lawyers without realising these “lawyers” are crowned pawns as cautious as you are lest their means be taken from them, and they themselves be left seeking “lawyers”. No, there are no answers to this violence we “live.” There is no recourse and the reason is, there is no protection. They can do what they want to us, and we must take this “cock”, this “willy”, this “penis”, because we are their property, their flesh, their booty (trophy), their “play thing.”

Being the ultimate object of their game, we can never be taken seriously, and so, how can we, the joke, expect to make demands upon them? Its not that we are not getting recognition; its that we have not recognised the perspective and outlook they have, never mind the programme and arrangements they have designed, and deliver.  We are helpless “infants” who are used for their purposes (pleasures) and that is why we have all these “child violation” incidents. These are not “scandals” but NORMAL, LOGICAL – if not healthy – extensions of this regime, which necessitates erotic violations of those most vulnerable, exploiting/exploring ritual mocking and erotic insult. Just as in BDSM, the element of humiliation makes the domination even more exciting; similarly resistance enhances arousal, but does nothing to liberate us from this regime.  Until we are honest about this, we will be left to continue pretending to be “shocked” and “outraged” by “PAEDOPHILLIA” trails, but if we can be real, honest even if this means helpless, then in seeing the world correctly and clearly, we will at least have some power from which to guide us as we operate and attempt to liberate our myopic zones.

Every day I die again. I think about all the people who simply don’t get it and how I exhaust myself attempting to value them, imagining they desire to know truth which itself assumes they can know truth. If they ever came upon truth and spoke it, it would be accident, it would by chance, it would be because truth and popularity happen to coincide, but again, I am not trying to convince people of this; it’s just my “opinion” to which, all are entitled, I am told. I am even sure “truth” would be meaningful if it were equally valued by everyone, never mind if it would be desirable. Every day I try to fall asleep only, falling asleep still doesn’t enable me to access those vital and necessary resources that rare individuals like myself have an exaggerated need to access and possess for in order to be high functioning, we requires more resources, but in order to keep us low functioning, we must be denied opportunities. Again, I can get these resources by operating from a collective power base, but this won’t happen as the zookeepers have us so retarded, we rarely think about anything beyond that which is topical.  Meanwhile, those goats like myself who attempt to wrestle toys from infants are fought again creating the symptoms of battle fatigue.


breakdowns persist


It’s been at least four years since I entered the extended captivity of “supported housing”, which itself, might best be read as a means of containing black energy. Of course, there are few alternatives for impoverished and psychologically distorted people like myself who, if white, might otherwise be functioning in much more constructive, expansive spaces. Under subjugation, however, such possibilities are so remote, its better to not even entertain such absurdities. Instead, it is this place, my dwelling, to which I have been condemned, and from there, I attempt to carve out an existence from within the confines of conditions arrangements to stimulate death. It is this “Subtle Suicide” that others theorised where “they” make an environment so toxic, we will to die; we want to end the permanent state of pain; we want to leave, retreat, be elsewhere, resign…escape.

It’s amazing to reflect upon it. Back in the 1600s my people were actively taken into captivity, and fast forward some four 400 years and the same arrangement exists/persists, only, in some respects worse. It is not worse in as much as it is “more disguised” now, as if a boxer wins with a jab or a straight, they still win just the same as if they win on points.  Also, unlike other blacks, I have no need to flatter myself by “pretending” that things are more sophisticated and hidden now; I see myself in captivity, and cannot be sure what else there is to see. If they put decorations on the jail, or simply leave it baron, it makes no difference as the fact of captivity remains and so, when I hear people talking about the regime being “more elaborate” these days, I hear but their avoidance of the reality “they cannot comprehend the mechanisms of control.”

For those unfamiliar with this captivity or “internal”(domestic) colonisation (subjection) model, it reads that “dominant society” (the rulers, zookeepers) hold blacks in subjection (zookeeperism) and have thus rendered not the world, but black being in the world, a proxy prison irrespective of where the black is, owing to the disciplined conception of blackness that was instituted, and the permanent relation of surveillance that such an agenda fosters and necessitates. Under this regime, blacks, viz, myself, can never be permitted to be anything but maladjusted, dysfunctional and ultimately deficient; in fact, blacks must be kept from becoming functional by those claiming to “Help” them at the very time they are being violated, permanently.

It is from within this context that I must situate the permanent state of violence that is my being. I must be denied essential resources needed in order to function whilst all the while being made to depend and beg for these resources which are controlled, owned and dominated by those invested in my death and degradation. It is the ridiculousness. If one attempts to function without these resources, they burn-out and breakdown, they collapse and implode, but if one begs for these resources which is a war – the engagement process – that endure “battle fatigue” and end up moving closer to death yet again, and in turn, needing even more resources to recover and compensate for the loss endured as a result of the battle. It is in this way we are stuck, helpless, and unable to move, never mind function, but refusal to face up to this reality, even when “disguised” by “do for self” mantras, only help to ensure this relation of subjection remains unchanged








Tagged , , , , , , , , ,