It’s been at least four years since I entered the extended captivity of “supported housing”, which itself, might best be read as a means of containing black energy. Of course, there are few alternatives for impoverished and psychologically distorted people like myself who, if white, might otherwise be functioning in much more constructive, expansive spaces. Under subjugation, however, such possibilities are so remote, its better to not even entertain such absurdities. Instead, it is this place, my dwelling, to which I have been condemned, and from there, I attempt to carve out an existence from within the confines of conditions arrangements to stimulate death. It is this “Subtle Suicide” that others theorised where “they” make an environment so toxic, we will to die; we want to end the permanent state of pain; we want to leave, retreat, be elsewhere, resign…escape.
It’s amazing to reflect upon it. Back in the 1600s my people were actively taken into captivity, and fast forward some four 400 years and the same arrangement exists/persists, only, in some respects worse. It is not worse in as much as it is “more disguised” now, as if a boxer wins with a jab or a straight, they still win just the same as if they win on points. Also, unlike other blacks, I have no need to flatter myself by “pretending” that things are more sophisticated and hidden now; I see myself in captivity, and cannot be sure what else there is to see. If they put decorations on the jail, or simply leave it baron, it makes no difference as the fact of captivity remains and so, when I hear people talking about the regime being “more elaborate” these days, I hear but their avoidance of the reality “they cannot comprehend the mechanisms of control.”
For those unfamiliar with this captivity or “internal”(domestic) colonisation (subjection) model, it reads that “dominant society” (the rulers, zookeepers) hold blacks in subjection (zookeeperism) and have thus rendered not the world, but black being in the world, a proxy prison irrespective of where the black is, owing to the disciplined conception of blackness that was instituted, and the permanent relation of surveillance that such an agenda fosters and necessitates. Under this regime, blacks, viz, myself, can never be permitted to be anything but maladjusted, dysfunctional and ultimately deficient; in fact, blacks must be kept from becoming functional by those claiming to “Help” them at the very time they are being violated, permanently.
It is from within this context that I must situate the permanent state of violence that is my being. I must be denied essential resources needed in order to function whilst all the while being made to depend and beg for these resources which are controlled, owned and dominated by those invested in my death and degradation. It is the ridiculousness. If one attempts to function without these resources, they burn-out and breakdown, they collapse and implode, but if one begs for these resources which is a war – the engagement process – that endure “battle fatigue” and end up moving closer to death yet again, and in turn, needing even more resources to recover and compensate for the loss endured as a result of the battle. It is in this way we are stuck, helpless, and unable to move, never mind function, but refusal to face up to this reality, even when “disguised” by “do for self” mantras, only help to ensure this relation of subjection remains unchanged